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Grieving In Gratitude: A Mother's Anger

Updated: Nov 6, 2021

On A TLotus Thought: The Blog. I’ve decided to write a multi-part series sharing my experience with losing my first-born son to suicide on 1/1/21. Part journal, part blog, my intention with this series is to raise suicide awareness and save a life, provide hope and support to the loved ones who are on their own grief journey, and share the beautiful story of my continued connection with my son on the other side.

Read part 1 - My Grieving Journey

Read part 2 - This Year, My Birthday Is The Ultimate Midlife Crisis

Trigger Warning: Suicide/Grief

If you're thinking about suicide or are concerned about a friend or loved one, there is a free hotline available 24/7 to provide emotional support. Please call National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255. (1-800-273-TALK)

My 2021 did not start with a celebration and it did not start with happiness, joy, anticipation, or hope for a better year. My 2021, from DAY ONE, started with the most tragic and tremendous loss I have ever experienced.

We are in the final months of 2021 yet a part of me is stuck in January. New Year’s Day is a time for celebrating the start of the new year. make resolutions, enjoy our time with family and friends, and look forward to a better year than the last one. 2020 was a crazy year with the onset of the COVID-19 pandemic in March, the tragic killing of George Floyd in May, and the fiasco of an election cycle in November.

Yet, throughout all of the chaos of 2020, I was at peace and grateful that my boys and I made it through the year healthy and safe. We celebrated birthdays, a high school graduation, and holidays in the midst of the chaos of 2020.

On Christmas Day, a week before his suicide, Kerry came to the house early that morning. We had some precious time together before waking up the other boys to open gifts. He had quietly come to my bedroom door right as I opened it, and my energy lit up with the sight of my firstborn son. He and I talked and laughed and hugged. What I didn’t know….Kerry wrote a suicide letter that he emailed to himself on December 22nd. He would go missing on December 28th. One week later after seeing him for the last time, he would be gone.

My Anger Is Real

My mind keeps dissecting the events of the final week of 2021 and circling back to the fact that

KERRY KNEW THAT CHRISTMAS DAY WOULD BE THE LAST TIME WE WOULD SEE EACH OTHER. He was determined to leave this earth, but WHY? He left no reason for his final decision in his letter other than, “I’m fucking tired”. On top of that, Kerry was found dead in his company van at 3 AM on January 1st which means, HE WAS ALIVE FOR THE 4 DAYS WE WERE SEARCHING FOR HIM. Sometimes, I find myself remembering every single day of the final week of 2020. Not having the answers can be infuriating.

Kerry was a smart, deeply intellectual, talented, humorous, and loving man. As the Capricorn that he was, when he made a decision, no one could sway him from it. When he said he was going to do something, he damn well did it. He decided that January 1st, 2021 would be his last birthday on earth, but did he ever think about the fact that killing himself ON HIS BIRTHDAY would totally devastate his brothers and me? I carried him in my womb and gave birth to him on that day! I became a mother and grew the fuck up because of that day! And now, that day will always be synonymous with him killing himself. I’m so fucking angry that he did this! It is not my nature to stay in the energy of anger for very long, but I find myself there regularly as I navigate my grieving journey.

Holding On To My Knowing

What keeps me from drowning in the muddy waters of my grief is knowing that when he decided to end his life, he did not leave ME. He left whatever and/or whoever was causing him turmoil. I want to know the WHY of it all but my Knowing is, he has never left me and he makes it known in amazing ways. I hold on to the Knowing that as tragic as his death is, it was his time. It was his time because otherwise, he would be here. It was the Divine plan for him to leave this earth when he did and the way he did. I must accept this fact, but I don’t like it.

These are the things that I have thought about since January 1st, 2021, as I work to move forward and through this pain. I always tell my friends and clients that within the darkness, there is light. Finding the light in the darkness of this terrible and tragic loss will be my intention for the rest of my life.

In honor of her son, Kerry James Hill, TLotus has taken up the mission to help save lives by becoming an advocate for suicide prevention and support those who are on their own healing journey from trauma and loss.

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