On A TLotus Thought: The Blog. I’ve decided to write a multi-part series sharing my experience with losing my first-born son to suicide on 1/1/21. Part journal, part blog, my intention with this series is to raise suicide awareness and save a life, provide hope and support to the loved ones who are on their own grief journey, and share the beautiful story of my continued connection with my son on the other side.
Trigger Warning: Suicide/Grief
If you're thinking about suicide or are concerned about a friend or loved one, there is a free hotline available 24/7 to provide emotional support. Please call National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255. (1-800-273-TALK)
Today is a tender but sacred day for me. It's 2/2/22 and I miss my baby Kerry so much. I know he's with me... and he let's me know all the time because I told him I'm open to messages and signs from him. One of the ways he lets me know he's around is through the number 22. The number pops up at significant times and in crazy but meaningful places and I know it's him.
Before Kerry died, he took the time to leave a clue to let me know that he would connect with me from the Spiritual realm. This amazes me but I’m not surprised. Kerry and I would talk about spirituality and my “woo woo” all of the time. He grew up watching me in my spiritual journey.
I thought he was just indulging me when I would share my knowledge of Universal Consciousness. He would lovingly tease me about it all. It turns out, Kerry was paying attention all along.
Kerry chose the number 22 because of its powerful meaning. It is a Master Builder number associated with Divine Feminine energy, intuition, emotions, harmony and love. My favorite number is 11. Anytime I would see 11 (or 11, 111, 1111 etc..), I would always tell my boys to make a wish. The number 22 is 11+11.
Before he died, Kerry left 22 lanyards on his keys. His keys are the only thing I have from his belongings after he died. He also let it be known that he wanted to see the Disney/Pixar movie Soul. In that movie, one of the main character’s names is Number 22. My father passed away on September 22. I got married at age 22. I could keep going with the synchronicities. All I know is… Kerry was paying attention to my “woo woo” the whole time.
After Kerry died, his brother Jovan and I counted the lanyards on his keys and learned there were 22 of them. About a week after that, I watched the movie Soul. The first thing I noticed was the main character, Joe Gardner, was a musician. Music was Kerry's love. He was a beautiful and talented musician. Seeing Joe in the first scene, in a middle school band room instantly took me back to when Kerry was playing music in middle school.
When Joe was matched with soulmate 22, I straight up screamed! I hollered and it probably sounded like something was wrong. I was screaming out of an instant realization that Kerry was reaching out to me. Kerry purposefully chose the number 22, knowing he would leave this earth. and that I would literally put “2 and 2” together and realize that he left this beautiful gift to me. That's my baby.
His gift of the number 22 led me to people, opportunities, and healing that has manifested into miracles in my life during the deepest of my depression and grief.
Kerry comes to me through music too. Last December, I created a memorial video to "Save The Day" by Mariah Carey, as the background music. Whenever I'm in the car and I start talking to him or just thinking of him, that song would play on the radio. There are no coincidences in the Universe. Kerry is letting me know, "I'm here, Mom." There are other songs too.
He comes to me through my dreams. Last night, I had a vivid dream that Kerry was at my bedroom door and knocked on it in the silly way he always did. I woke up this morning and went straight to my bedroom door and opened it with the feeling that he would be there..waiting for me with his signature KerBear hug. But he wasn't there, of course. I felt his presence there and when I closed my bedroom door, the clock said 5:22.
I promised Kerry I would move forward through this grief and find my joy again and I'm working on that. The number 22 is a part of my healing. I’m truly grateful that Kerry left such a precious gift of love. That’s my baby. I’m truly grateful.